A hilarious story with a homo-erotic undercurrent (UPDATED)

I’ve changed my twitter avatar to a picture of me, rather than the all powerful Evil Edna, this has caused much discussion about how handsome i am, and if i used a body double, and some issues about national security regarding reveling my true identity…

My good friend Ned (http://twitter.com/theREALwikiman) had this to say:

Hey wanna hear a hilarious story with a homo-erotic undercurrent, involving YOU (and also me)..?

 Okay SO. Imagine this, ready? I was checking Twitter on my phone, and I saw you had a photo as your avatar.

I thought to myself, OMG, I’ve never seen Beersoft IN THE FLESH before, only that little cartoon graphic. So I went to profile..

..view and then clicked on your picture, so it filled THE ENTIRE SCREEN OF MY IPHONE, right? *Then* the baby started crying so I..

.. just locked my phone, as it was, and went to cheer her up. I forgot all about the ‘seeing Beersoft’s face’ excitement. UNTIL..

..later that night my wife said ‘can you get me X’s number’ so I opened my phone to reveal A FULL SCREEN PICTURE OF A MAN! #omg

Even though I hadn’t really done anything wrong, I basically felt like me wife had caught me watching pornography on my phone.

Good story eh? And one which is difficult to explain succinctly to your wife when she’s all, like, WTF is that picture of a man?

I mean, I know you aren’t naked in the pic or anything (well you might be I suppose) but can you imagine how it looked?

UPDATE:

Oooh I forgot another part of the story: just before I locked my phone, I thought ‘oooh, his hair is a bit like mine – goodness!’

this is the type of madness my cat has to put up with on a daily basis, please donate to the “Ned’s hot wife isn’t talking to him due to photos of an adonis on his phone” random romantic gift fund

A day in the life of Mr Vince Obermaan

<voiceoverman>As our normal correspondent is either drunk, in a hedge, drunk in a hedge, asleep or asleep in a hedge, I thought I would take a moment to tell you about myself, how I spend my days and why I do voiceovers for the idiot.</voiceoverman>

My name’s Vince, I used spend most of my day either enjoying a playboy lifestyle, or working out with my team of personal trainers and doing some charity work in the local community. I try to help out as much as I can with the less fortunate, which cunningly brings me to my work with Beersoft Interactive.

You know when your mums said don’t talk to strangers, well if anyone says to you “you look nice, want to see some sweeties?” don’t let your thought process go ‘he didn’t say “would you like to see some kittens” or “if you get in my car you can have this big bag of coke”’, the whole ‘show you sweeties’ thing is a Polaroid of pic-n-mix with “you’re my wife now, Dave” written on the back. It’s a classic trap, and if I had spent more time reading spy novels from my local library instead of the charity work I don’t like to talk about; I wouldn’t be in this situation.

But what a situation to be in; ‘the fearless leader’ isn’t an unkind overlord as they go. I get fresh shredded newspapers 3 times a week for the cage he keeps me in. It’s quite a nice cage, I will ask him why it says “hoffcage 2005” on the sign above it. He lets me sing show tunes at the children in the street on weekdays as long as I do the voice over work here.

Ohh bugger, I think he’s sobering up. I best get out of his dancing speedo’s and back into the cupboard, if anyone asks I wasn’t here and no one saw us.

Is this one time too many?

<voiceoverman> We find our valiant hero relaxing on the sofa, drinking beer and pondering the worlds problems, and working out how to solve them; Lots of deep thoughts. Enough of this background information, Lets get to the action</voiceoverman>

Out of all of the world’s problems, today I shall tackle three of the trickiest ones. Brace yourself it’s going to be a rollercoaster ride.

Problem 1: Shoelaces – I don’t know about you, but I find that ‘smart drinking shoes’ have 2 types of laces, really long ones (which are a pain to tie, need a double knot which makes you look like a 3 year old) or short, stiff wiry ones (which don’t stay tied)

Solution:  it may sound like a load of cobblers, but can the fine shoe making industry use laces that aren’t 3 miles long or made out of memory string

Problem 2: The 9 tones of free papers and useless leaflets posted through my door every day: yep, it’s a problem

Solution: As I don’t want to cause the under paid urchin that delivers my papers not to get the 4 pence a day delivery charge, I think I should get an industrial shredder and make a nest, so there may be a king sized bed for sale at some point

<voiceover man>In a moment of panic, our handsome hero meanders into the kitchen to find another beer, lets all have a quick singalong http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=291ET6Py6H8 </voiceoverman>

Errm, thanks to voiceoverman, I hope you have all refreshed your drinks, on with the show!

Problem 3: your voiceover man has a bizarre fetish for show tunes, and you are sure he’s been trying on your underwear when you’re at work

Solution: after consulting a psychologist, its best to have a calm sit down and a cup of tea with your voice over man, find out what is causing the odd behavior, talk through the problems. A trial separation isn’t out of the question

Problem 4: why are academic library websites so dreadful, complicated, about 7 years behind the rest of the world with the design, and have an uncontrollable urge to be different from the rest of the institution

Solution: I wish I knew, leave a comment if you know a way your local shambrarian can make the library world a better place.

<voiceoverman> As the loser who writes this twaddle, has really crappy grammar, spelling, punctuation, possible drinking problems, a really upsetting habit of dancing in sequined speedo’s and no taste in music. Well my mum said “if you cant say anything nice, shut your pie hole”, he does make a fine Sheppard pie, his cats awesome in an evil spotty cat way and his collection of crap 80’s films doesn’t even mention talking about. Until next time my sexy playthings</voiceoverman>

to be sectionedcontinued